The Sober October Experiment

The Experiment

I committed to sobriety (all substances) for the month of October 2021.

Takeaways

1. Drinking for me is more about fitting in than it is about the alcohol. It’s about my identity.
2. Use a cup and have fun. No one will nottice. You won’t lose friends over it. At least not your good ones.
3. I can see how Sober October might become a yearly practice of mine.

My Experience

Drinking has never been a huge problem for me. I only drink in a social setting. The issue comes when you happen to be a social butterfly as I can be at times. If you equate being with people with consuming alcohol then you’ve made a deal with the universe to drink a few times per week.

I rarely, if ever, craved the alcohol itself. Instead, I crave the sensations to let loose and fit in. As you can probably imagine by the topics covered in this blog that my brain tends to be on the analytical side. For better or worse, alcohol can put this part of the brain to sleep. This is often helpful in social settings when being loose and playful is often the prerequisite vibe to fit in and have fun.

My October was packed with social gatherings. We had a teacher’s college reunion (at a pub), it was my brother-in-law’s 30th birthday (celebrated at a pub), and of course, the Halloween party. It was difficult not to drink at the teacher’s college reunion since our group had bonded over going to the university pub before, between, and after our courses. Many of our group projects were completed at Father & Sons during our days at the University of Ottawa. It is very difficult to deviate from the status quo.

We all put other people into little boxes in our heads. The concept for this psychological filing system was introduced by Jean Piaget as “schemas“. Our brains are quick to form such schemas about people. That’s what we mean by a first impression. We often (if not always) create schemas for people even before talking to them. We then interpret everything they do and say through the lens of our first impressions. If I had to guess, the schemas that my teacher’s college colleagues had about me went something like this:

• Wears glasses
• Numbers guy
• Played hockey
• Is part of the pub crew. One of us.
• Tells dad jokes

Telling my peers that I was doing sober October forced them to update or at least question the box they stored me in. This can be stressful. This requires mental energy. It is much easier to keep our beliefs than to update them. As open-minded as we often assume we are, we do not update our beliefs using Bayes’ Theorem. Instead, we are much more likely to disregard someone doing Sober October as an outlier just to prevent having to update our beliefs. Peer pressure is another tactic used to limit the cognitive dissonance often experienced when someone says they are not drinking. Virtually everyone knows that drinking is not optimal. We are walking contradictions. Our actions do not match our beliefs. It is much easier to justify our behaviour in hindsight than to be forced to question our moral integrity (see ontological shock).

Not drinking at my brother-in-law’s 30th birthday was also challenging for different reasons. The other folks attending the event didn’t build some strong schemas of our shared drinker identities. It was the fact that drinking is often perceived as an act of solidarity when celebrating someone or something special. There is some truth to that. Drinking is essentially performing a sacrifice. It’s behaviour that indicates that we are willing to give up our time, our money, and the well-being of tomorrow (hangover) to honour the cause of the gathering. This form of sacrifice often builds trust. There is also something to be said about reciprocity. People will expect you to drink at their birthday if they drank at yours. Telling the hero of the occasion that you’re not drinking on their birthday is prone to make them feel like they’re not special enough for you to voluntarily sacrifice something of value.

Not drinking at the Halloween party was difficult for two reasons. First, it’s Halloween. Everyone wears a costume and drinks. Second, I only knew the host of the party. Drinking is a social lubricant. It tends to make you less awkward and take yourself less seriously. Alcohol is often a must for people who don’t do well with large groups of strangers. The act of drinking itself requires many subtle behaviours that are perceived as cool or act as genuine icebreakers. Asking the host where you can put your drinks is an example of such interaction. People tend to drink more when they feel awkward. A friend of mine told me that they would walk to their cooler more often just to shave a few minutes of awkward social interactions. People perceive these cooler trips as virtuous (at least in the party setting). The same is true for people who smoke outside. It’s an easy and accepted way to gain prestige and avoid uncomfortable situations. This type of behaviour became clear to me as a result of this month’s experiment. I had to ask myself why I drank ten bublys in a night. It’s definitely not because I was thirsty. I don’t even like sparkling water (*** I don’t hate it either). It’s because drinking fast would make me feel part of the group.

October was difficult. But I managed to get through it. I didn’t miss drinking. I just didn’t love being sober around drunk people. That said, I still benefitted from the social outings and seeing my friends. I still had fun while sober (often more fun without as many undesirable side effects). I ended up extending my sober streak to two months before I broke it.

I’ve come to realize that drinking, for me at least, had not much to do with alcohol and much more to do with identity. I drink mostly to fit in. I keep envisioning an older, wiser, and more confident version of myself (like Socrates from Way of the Peaceful Warrior) where drinking is not part of their identity. This doesn’t mean that this person never drinks. In fact, Socrates does drink and smoke in the book (see passage below). Drinking is not bad in itself. I just want it not to be the default and to be more intentional when I choose to consume alcohol. I don’t want to make the same mistake as Ted Lasso did by cutting out videos games from his life.

Then, to my amazement, Socrates took out a pack of cigarettes and lit one.
“Speaking of smoke,” he said, “Did I ever mention to you that there’s no such thing as a bad habit?”

I couldn’t believe my eyes or my ears. This isn’t happening, I told myself.
“‘No, you didn’t, and I’ve gone to great lengths on your recommendation to change my bad habits.”

“Oh, That was to develop your will, you see, and to give your instincts a refresher course. And we can say that habit itself–any unconscious, compulsive ritual–is negative. But specific activities-smoking, drinking, taking drugs, eating sweets, or asking silly questions are bad and good; every action has its price, and its pleasures. Recognizing both sides, you become realistic and responsible for your actions. And only then can you make the warrior’s free choice–to do or not to do.

“There is a saying when you sit, sit. When you stand, stand. What ever you do don’t wobble. Once you make your choice do it with all your spirit. Don’t be like the evangelist that thought about praying while making love to his wife and making love to his wife while praying”

I Laughed at this image, while Socrates blew perfect smoke rings.
“It’s better to make a mistake with the full force of your being then to carefully avoid mistakes with a trembling spirit. Responsibility means recognizing both pleasure and price, making a choice based on that recognition, and then living with that choice without concern.”

“It sounds so ‘either-or’. ‘What about moderation’?.”

“‘Moderation?” He leaped up on the desk, like an evangelist. “Moderation? It’s mediocrity, fear, and confusion in disguise. It’s the devil’s reasonable deception. It’s the wobbling compromise that makes no one happy. Moderation is for the bland, the apologetic, for the fence sitters of the world afraid to take a stand. It’s for those afraid to laugh or cry, for those afraid to live or die. Moderation, he took a deep breath, getting ready for his final condemnation it is lukewarm tea, the devil’s own brew!”

Laughing, I said, “Your sermons come in like a lion and go out like a lamb, Soc. You’ll have to keep practicing.”

He shrugged his shoulders, climbing down from the desk. “They always told me that in the seminary.” I didn’t know whether he was kidding or not.

Way of the Peaceful Warrior – Dan Millman

I’m not ready to let go of my present identity to become someone who almost never drinks. And that’s OK. Every time I don’t drink at a social event is like casting a vote towards my new identity. People’s schemas and your own are bound to change slowly as the votes pile up. I’ve witnessed my friend’s schemas update just during the two months I wasn’t drinking. Eventually, the schemas will tip over and you’ll experience more resistance (surprise) when you are drinking than when you’re not.

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Affiliate Links

1. Way of the Peaceful Warrior – Dan Millman
2. Atomic Habits – James Clear
3. Tiny Habits – BJ Fogg
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