I recently listened to Brené Brown’s two-part podcast with Harriet Lerner. The episode deals with how to and how not to apologize. I would recommend this episode to anyone who interacts with humans (so everyone). Apologizing and accepting apologies is a skill. Having a framework can help us practice this skill more intentionally.
Below are Harriet Lerner’s nine rules for a true apology.
The 9 Rules
- A true apology does not include the word “but” (“I’m sorry, but …”).
- A true apology keeps the focus on your actions—and not on the other person’s response.
- A true apology does not overdo.
- A true apology doesn’t get caught up in who’s to blame or who “started it.”
- A true apology needs to be backed by corrective action.
- A true apology requires that you do your best to avoid a repeat performance.
- A true apology should not serve to silence another person (“I said I’m sorry at least 10 times, so why are you still bringing up the affair?”).
- A true apology should not be offered to make you feel better if it risks making the hurt party feel worse.
- A true apology recognizes when “I’m sorry” is not enough.
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Affiliate Links
- Why Won’t You Apologize? – Harriet Lerner