Thank you for the apology.

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I recently listened to Brené Brown’s two-part podcast with Harriet Lerner. The episode deals with how to and how not to apologize. I would recommend this episode to anyone who interacts with humans (so everyone). Apologizing and accepting apologies is a skill. Having a framework can help us practice this skill more intentionally.

Below are Harriet Lerner’s nine rules for a true apology.

The 9 Rules

  1. A true apology does not include the word “but” (“I’m sorry, but …”). 
  2. A true apology keeps the focus on your actions—and not on the other person’s response. 
  3. A true apology does not overdo.
  4. A true apology doesn’t get caught up in who’s to blame or who “started it.”
  5. A true apology needs to be backed by corrective action. 
  6. A true apology requires that you do your best to avoid a repeat performance. 
  7. A true apology should not serve to silence another person (“I said I’m sorry at least 10 times, so why are you still bringing up the affair?”). 
  8. A true apology should not be offered to make you feel better if it risks making the hurt party feel worse
  9. A true apology recognizes when “I’m sorry” is not enough. 

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  1. Why Won’t You Apologize? – Harriet Lerner

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