I come from Mattice, a small francophone community comprised of 500 people in northern Ontario (Canada). A place where you have to be friends with everyone around your age to have a big enough friend circle. A place without many entertainment sources. A place with long and harsh winters. A place where a whole lot of alone and nature time was spent. This extra time combined with my voracious curiosity allowed me to think about and explore concepts in depths that were seldom for a young boy.
The long winters and the fact I lived 117 steps from the rink accounted for me skating at 2 years old. My brother, who is 2 years older than me, was playing hockey then. My parents thought it was a good idea to sign me up since they had to be at the rink anyway. Plus it was not abnormal to see this in Mattice since hockey was essentially the only sport being practiced. I never looked back. Countless hours were spent shooting pucks, playing ball hockey with friends, skating at the public skates, and rollerblading in the summers. Almost all this dedicated practice came from my intrinsic motivation to improve my level of play. My curiosity, my love for learning, the lack of things to do, and my work ethic led me to invest a great deal of energy in hockey. I was fortunate enough to have parents who did not push me to play hockey although they were my number one fans and came to almost every game. My dad still comes to watch me play recreational hockey sometimes.
Sudbury
I played house league in Mattice until I was 12 years old. After a couple of years of playing rep hockey in Hearst and excelling at that level, I was invited to try out for the Bantam AAA team in Sudbury Ontario. Beyond all my expectations, I managed to secure a spot on the team that doesn’t usually take in players from out of town. This great accomplishment came with a tough decision that had to be made. I had to live in Sudbury (since it is 6 hours away from Mattice) to play on the team. My parents could not move to Sudbury just so I could play hockey so I opted to billet with a family (my assistant coach at the time). I will be eternally grateful for my parents who were willing to let go of their worries and able to let their 14-year-old son move 6 hours away to pursue his passion.
It must have been as difficult for them as it was for me to adapt, but this complete immersion in a different environment is what truly set me on this path of growth. I did not speak English at the time since Mattice was 99% French. We did not watch English television and my English teachers could hardly speak it as well. The only sentences I had mastered were “yes”, “no”, “toaster”, “Pop-Tarts”, and “I love hockey”. This steep learning curve led to some awkward moments. I cannot count the number of times I laughed when having a conversation in English only to realize after an awkward silence that they were asking a question. Or the number of times I messed up a drill because I did not understand when the coach was explaining the drill. By the end, I got very good at abstracting the meaning of dry-erase marker arrows and Xs and Os. I did not know anyone at the French high school I attended. These extra variables added to the stressful usual experience of transitioning to high school. This extreme discomfort and immersion in the unknown forced me to be present. It would have been easy to go through the motions if I stayed home. It would have been comfortable. And it would have been that much harder to leave for university after completing my high school at home.
Kapuskasing
All in all, my experience in Sudbury was a complete success even though I broke my kneecap and was forced to not play hockey for 2 months. I built on my previous season and decided to play midget AAA in Kapuskasing Ontario. Kapuskasing was only 45 minutes away from Mattice and I could live at my aunt’s house. The team had some great players and a great organization. This reunion with a familiar environment allowed me to focus more on my game and focus less on simply trying to survive and constantly adapt. I had the great honour of being selected by the Guelph Storm in the 2012 Ontario Hockey League (Draft) and receiving the league Rookie of the Year award. Getting drafted when playing up north is a big deal because not many scouts come to the league games. Your exposure heavily relies on the few tournaments your team goes to.
I worked really hard that summer to prepare for the Storm training camp held in August. My hard work paid off as I impressed the organization enough to be on the bubble of making the team as a 16-year-old. I decided to go back to Kapuskasing for a second season to build some confidence in my game and take advantage of the great team we had that season. This was the season I felt the most dominant and confident on and off the ice. It also allowed me to meet some of my mentors and to be a leader in the community.
Filled with confidence and desire to make it to the OHL, I approached my second training camp with the mindset that I was going to be on the team. I played my heart out and was sent down to play junior A. Politics or not, does not matter. I was crushed by the news. I had invested all my eggs in the OHL basket. Playing junior A felt like a failure and I joined the Kemptville 73’s of the Ottawa league once the season had already started. In hindsight, my attitude was absurd. Without knowing this at the time, I had adopted a fixed mindset about hockey.
Junior Hockey
Anyhow, due to my late arrival, a competitive forward lineup, a competitive league, and a lack of confidence, I was never able to move my way up the lineup in my first year of junior hockey. My confidence was at an all-time low. I often forgot I was decent at hockey. I was caught in a downward spiral. On the bright side, my social life was amazing in Kemptville. I was blessed with a billet family who cared for my well-being, a great high school, and some friends I still talk to this day. Kemptville is mostly an anglophone farming community. As a result, I had to attend an English school for the first time in my life. My experience in Sudbury allowed me to adapt quickly and thrive in my last year of high school. Although hockey was my number one priority, I finished the year with excellent grades and took part in school sports once the season ended. This year was also the first time I was asked to tutor because I was one of the only students who could fluently speak French. I ended up staying in Kemptville for my graduation instead of going back home to graduate with my friends. In my short stay, Kemptville already felt like home. On the whole, I finished my first-year junior with an average season for a 17-year-old, a great last year of high school, and a love for Kemptville.
I spent the next summer training in Iroquois with my billet brother from Kapuskasing. My goal that summer was to work on my confidence because I knew it was more of a lack of mental strength than a lack of abilities that was hindering my performance. The 73’s training camp soon arrived and I felt way more confident on and off the ice. It helped that I was a returning player. I got along well with everyone on the team. I was one the only guys attending university. I was taking two first-year engineering math courses.
I started the year off centring the third line which suited my role as a playmaker and hard-working player. A few bad bounces and a few mistakes later, my confidence was nonexistent once again. I was placed on the fourth line, but I managed to keep a positive attitude. Our line played surprisingly well together as we outworked the opposing team and managed to get some offence going. In fact, most of my points came from playing on that line. We were really starting to gel as a line when on December first I got a phone call from my coach saying I got traded to the Smiths Falls Bears.
Getting traded was annoying on the logistics side of things because I now had to move into a new billet house, and leave all my friends and a city I loved to play for. But worse, getting traded was difficult psychologically because you feel as if you’re worthless (or at least not worth much more than the player and money you were traded for). It is interesting how at the time I looked at the situation as if Kemptville did not want me instead of thinking that Smiths Falls traded for me. The same day I packed all my things and moved to Smiths Falls since they practiced that afternoon. It was an emotional day but I managed to have a good first practice with my new team and make a good first impression.
The Bears were the third-best team in the league when I arrived. Shortly after, our best player was injured for the rest of the season and could possibly not be able to step on the ice again due to a spinal injury. This was a huge blow to the team. Not only did we lose our best player, but it was a terrible thing to see our friend in that condition because of the game we all loved. We could feel that the atmosphere in the room changed. The team had a record of 7 wins and 17 losses after the injury while only averaging 2 goals per game. To add to this toxic mix, I separated my shoulder just when I was starting to gain confidence. I managed to return for the last few games of the season. We were eliminated in the qualifying round of playoffs. I finished the year with an under-average season in terms of stats which was not bad considering the context.
Post Hockey
I decided to go back home to work at the local plywood mill in Hearst for the summer. I could have worked on the production line to make more money but I opted for the office position which offered more flexibility. Even at the time, I preferred a 9 to 5 job over taking on shift work which was mostly on weekends. Working at the mill that summer made me realize 2 things.
First, I could never work a standard 9 to 5 job. I despised the concept of having to stay till 5 pm although my work for the day was done. I believe I could have done the same amount of work in about half the time just by adopting a more suited work schedule for me. This realization made me question my field of study which was engineering at the time. I enjoyed the concepts of engineering, but I did not see myself working at a desk all day for long hours. I realized I needed to work with people to be engaged in my work.
Second, this ineffective scheduling led me to discover that the internet is a gold mine waiting to be excavated. I could afford to listen to podcasts while doing my repetitive tasks. I was baffled by the fact that I could listen to world experts talk about complex issues uninterrupted for long periods of time; for free! I listened to podcasts and read articles for at least 3 hours every day that summer. Most of this time was dedicated to the Joe Rogan Experience (JRE) podcast and the Art of Manliness (AoM) website. I had lived my first intellectual renaissance.
My new passion for learning slowly chipped away at my assumption that hockey should be my number one priority. I did not realize this at the time. I had reconnected with my innate curiosity and need for constant learning. I went into the Bears’ training camp that year with the intention to play with confidence and play because I loved the game of hockey. I drove up to Smiths Falls not knowing where I would billet for the year. I had asked the organization to find me a billet house in the Ottawa region to limit the amount of travelling I had to do for school. It would take me 2 hours with the traffic to get to Carleton University for my 8:30 am classes. I was told at camp that they had not yet found me a billet house, and I decided to crash at another billet house with my roommate from the previous season.
The first time I stepped on the ice was rough because I did not have the chance to skate over the summer. I managed to play well during the scrimmages and felt confident on the ice. My shoulder came out again during the last game of the day. That night, sleeping on a couch in a basement with an injured shoulder, my doubts and worries came flooding in. There was a question that I could not get out of my brain. “Why do I play hockey?” The answer was simple. “Because I love the game.” But I did not love playing the game in these circumstances. My body was breaking down, I was only going to take 1 class because of the distance, I was driving up to 4 hours a day, I gave up all my weekends, and the attitude of most players on the team, including myself, was toxic, I did not yet have a billet house, and the list goes on with the regular sacrifices of being a hockey player. I realized that I could get what I wanted out of hockey by playing at a lower level in an environment more suited for me at the time. I called my parents late that night to share my mental chatter to verify if I was making sense or if I was being delusional. They listened to what I had to say. Even if they took great pride in my accomplishments, they supported me in my decision to quit hockey.
New Me
I woke up the next day feeling the same way. Therefore, I told my roommate who was also supportive and gathered some courage to break it to my coach. And just like that, my competitive hockey career came to an end. Not playing at a high level was challenging at first for me, but the fact that I had to create a new identity was way worse. Everyone knew me as “the hockey player”. I did not have to worry about who I was or invent things to impress people. It was a tough pill to swallow that I was suddenly a regular university student. I was nothing special. Now it is clear to me that no one is special. We are just humans trying to figure it out.
Once again, I am thankful I got to move away at such a young age. It served as a sort of rite of passage for me. It allowed me to build an amazing social web. Over the years, I got to attend 4 high schools, live in 10 billet houses, spend significant time in 6 cities, and meet over 50 people whom I consider close friends. Playing hockey also forced me to get out of my comfort zone which developed some essential life skills.
The following year was a formative one. After quitting hockey on August 28th, I had to find an apartment to live in Ottawa and change my university program because of the realization I had the previous summer. I crashed at my friend’s place for 4 days while I did all those things. I visited a few houses before settling for a house near Carleton University. I was living with 3 people I had never met before. After many hours of research and meetings with academic advisors, I opted to switch to a mathematics degree to eventually become a math and physics teacher.
Carleton
There, I was finally set up to be a university student. The only problem was that school never had been my priority and I always managed to excel regardless. So naturally, I procrastinated and continued to live my previous lifestyle. I would spend little time studying, a lot of time being social, and a lot of time being active. My first midterm wave was a reality check for me. It was the first time I was completely overwhelmed with school and did not manage to wing it. I survived and got 60’s and 70’s for the most part. This was unacceptable for someone who prided himself on being smart and getting good grades. So I did what I always do when the shit hits the fan, I go to work. I managed to finish all five classes with at least an A minus.
This first year of being a full-time student also marked a time of identity reconstruction. I had adopted the motto that “I embrace problems and deal with them right away instead of sweeping them under the rug.” It was not easy to see all the dirt that had piled up from my stimulating years of playing hockey and not having to worry about anything but my pregame routine. Podcasts and reading were still an integral part of my life. I tried to numb my loneliness and lack of sense of self by indulging myself in social interactions. I was accustomed to seeing my 20 teammates every day on top of hanging out with my other friends. I overcompensated by partying and spending time with acquaintances even though I kept contact with my meaningful friends. It just happened that these people did not live in Ottawa for the most part since I met them through the cities I played in growing up. It was also difficult to meet friends in my program because the people who are enrolled in a math degree are not typically the people I was used to hanging out with.
It was not until the second year that I realized I was trying to fill a hole with other people’s validation. I felt like a quitter and a failure for leaving my hockey dream behind. I was not being authentic in my friendships. I told a lot white lies. I did it to warp other people’s opinions of me. I had a severe case of FOMO (fear of missing out). I would also make excuses because I did not have the courage to tell the truth. I had moved in with a friend that I met through hockey who also went to Carleton. We lived in a house near a 25-minute walk away from school with 3 other guys we did not know. His authenticity combined with the many life conversations we had and the continual application of my motto at the time led me on the path I am on today. I walked to and back from school every day. These walks gave me time to ponder and collect my thoughts.
I decided to make up for my lost time when I was playing hockey by staying in Ottawa for the summer and taking 6 summer courses. This would allow me to finish my degree in August and I could start Teachers College at the University of Ottawa in the fall. Taking 6 courses in the summer is considered an extreme overload. However, since they were mostly electives and a few of them were online courses, I breezed through the summer without too much stress. It helped that I was interested in the courses I was taking. In particular, I took two psychology classes which resonated with me, 1 critical thinking class which changed the way I looked at the world, and 1 natural history class because the professor’s passion for nature was contagious. Since I only had to go to school a few times a week, I could manage my time effectively. I would usually watch my online lectures in the morning while eating breakfast doing physical activities and attending my night classes. Most of my afternoons were spent reading, listening to podcasts, journaling and investing in myself. It was the first time I read a book from cover to cover to cover except for school. I never felt better physically and psychologically. I finished my degree with stellar grades and was excited about the new chapter about to start: Teacher’s College.
Teacher’s College
The first couple of weeks of classes were enough to make me realize a few things. First, Teacher’s College was going to be a joke compared to my previous degree. Second, I should take advantage of this freedom to double down on my personal growth. And third, my classmates were cool people whom I wanted to get to know more. So that is what I did. I spent little time on school work and most of my time socializing and working on my tutoring business. On one hand, I looked forward to going to class and going to events with my colleagues. On the other hand, my tutoring business got to a point where I had too many clients and had to choose the ones that were the best fit.
My first-year internship was spent with 8th graders taking math courses. It confirmed my intention to become a teacher. It also confirmed my intention to teach at the high school level or higher. I want to spend less time on discipline and class management and more time on educating students. High school and college level classes are different because students are supposed to be there because they want to learn. It’s difficult to teach when your students are forced to be there. This is also why I think YouTube and podcasts are so powerful. People who consume this information want to learn because they only invest their time when they feel like it.
I left on a month-long trip to Indonesia as soon as my internship was done. It was my first time travelling. It served as a first for many things. Most importantly, the trip revealed my tendency to seek comfort even after all my years of being immersed in discomfort. I had the chance to learn from their culture to live more slowly and simply. I was fortunate enough to take meditation classes during my trip which happened to be quite formative. I also got to spend a lot of time with monkeys whose lifestyle always fascinated me. I think we, humans and apes, have still a lot to learn from each other.
My information at the time diet made me ask myself some big questions. The biggest was: “Why do I work so hard? Why not take the path of least resistance every time?” This question may seem obvious on the surface but the answer is not clear. I struggled to find a way out of this nihilistic attitude for months until I finally had a breakthrough. It occurred while I was playing a card game called Monopoly Deal. It was more like a bunch of small breakthroughs that added up over time and one day I felt the need to consolidate this knowledge. I thought putting it on paper was the best way to clarify my thinking. So I started writing. Something I never did before. I was a math major keep in mind. After 3 intensive sessions of writing, I produced a 12-page essay I called ” Values, Meaning, and Monopoly”. This essay was big for me because I had come up with a decent answer to my initial question, but even bigger because I had written something of decent quality my first time writing. I shattered the unknown fixed mindset I had about writing. Writing would now be a tool I could use to declutter my thoughts and communicate my ideas.
I went in my second and last year of Teacher’s College with the intention of tutoring less and enjoying my time with my friends. The second semester was dedicated to an internship so I had to take advantage of my time in Ottawa. I followed a weekly meditation class for the whole semester. I also managed to build some healthy habits like cold showers, reading, meditating in the morning, walking and biking instead of driving.
Lastly, I am currently in the middle of my internship in Kapuskasing before graduating. I am thinking of doing some more school after graduating for various reasons I will not get into here. For those of you who were wondering, I have never stopped playing recreational hockey since I quit and I love the game more than ever. Today, I have never been more truthful and authentic to myself and others. Let us hope that this keeps improving. On the practical side, the thing I am working on the most at the moment is to love others for who they are independent of my relationship with them. In other words, I want to love people unconditionally. I want their best regardless of how that makes me feel. I am aware that this is something I will work on for the rest of my life. On the conceptual side, I am trying to figure out how one should conduct himself in this world. I am bothered by the great philosophical question of: “How to live a good life”. Whatever that means.