Which Relationship Would You Choose?

Olivier Chabot|September 13, 2021|Advice To Myself, Desmos, Habits
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Green curve or blue curve? Would you rather have a relationship that is more stable at the expense of not experiencing higher levels of satisfaction or have a relationship that varies more which also results in lower lows?

Note that both hypothetical relationships have equal average satisfaction levels over time. We could also represent them mathematically by assuming perfect sinusoidal waves (which is obviously not the case in reality). Both sine curves will have the same vertical shift value (axis of symmetry) and the same period (the time it takes to complete a full cycle) but the blue curve will have a greater amplitude.

My hunch is that most people would prefer the green relationship (more stable). Human beings are generally averse to unpleasant emotions. We are willing to sacrifice happiness to avoid suffering. It makes sense that evolution equipped us with such a defence mechanism.

How much better would the blue relationship have to be on average for us to prefer it over the comfort of the green curve? I added movement in the visualization below to help you conceptualize the question. Feel free to play around with the amplitudes, periods, and average values.

It is not obvious to me that the blue relationship at its best (average satisfaction of 9/10) is preferable to the green with an average of 7/10. Chaos comes at a steep psychological price. The roller coaster ride may not outweigh the stability although every point is higher in this extreme example. I suspect that the period of the sine curves would also influence our decisions.

Sometimes success is less about making good habits easy and more about making bad habits hard.

James Clear

This thought experiment cast another vote for my hypothesis that a significant aspect of what we call “being happy” is about limiting the moments of suffering in your life. To be clear, I do not take this position to its extreme. Happiness is not the absence of suffering. In fact, experiencing positive and negative emotions are part of a happy emotional diet.

Martin Seligman proposed the PERMA model for happiness. Positive emotions (P), engagement (E), relationships (R), meaning (M), and accomplishment (A) are all features that need to be sprinkled in in addition to not suffering too much. The problem is that it is extremely difficult for a person whose life is riddled with chaos to take part in the factors of the PERMA model. Take someone who suffers from depression as an example. Positive emotions, engagement, and meaning go out the window almost by definition. Relationships can become more challenging to maintain as the energy levels required to socialize are running low. The nihilism typically associated with depression is not conducive to accomplishment and self-betterment.

You can’t wait for your suffering to disappear before you start investing in your happiness. You can simultaneously limit the things that make you suffer and do more things that tend to make you happy. This concept reminds me of the misconception that often comes with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. You do not need to graduate from level 1 to start playing in the upper levels. Life is not a video game. Self-actualization and self-transcendence work hand-in-hand.

The goal of identity (self-actualization . . .) seems to be simultaneously an end-goal in itself, and also a transitional goal, a rite of passage, a step along the path to the transcendence of identity. This is like saying its function is to erase itself. Put the other way around, if our goal is the Eastern one of ego-transcendence and obliteration, of leaving behind self-consciousness and self-observation, . . . then it looks as if the best path to this goal for most people is via achieving identity, a strong real self, and via basic-need-gratification.

Abraham Maslow – Peak experiences as acute identity experiences

Knowing and working within your threshold for chaos creates a fertile environment for self-actualization and self-transcendence to occur. Hedonic adaptation and our monkey brains make it impossible to cheat our way to happiness.

What systems do you have in place to ensure that you limit your moments of suffering while ensuring that you touch on the five factors of the PERMA model on a regular basis?

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